Well since I am home sick for the last two I guess I will write some stuff about this life. It feels good to be a woman and not just woman but a mature, vibrant (not today), spiritual, like my skin woman. Sure I'm not 23 with perky breast and turning heads. I am much better and the breast require more than just a turn of the head. Finally being able to discern the environment that is healing for me and is eye opening. There so many things that I am thankful for. One being my mother who did not have the option to really be my mother due to schizophrenia. When I was younger I thought I hated her but as I grew older I recognized what she was not able to give to herself, which was peace, let alone give to me.
I learned from my mother that to feel is the most important thing I needed to breath. All throught my life I felt that I did not want to feel because I just wanted to feel good. I was determined that my children would not had to experience any hurt from me not showing up. Well that backfired because then it seemed as if I could do anything when I actually could'nt . Then everything came crashing down and I needed someone to love with all my flaws. Well that's when I started to make emotionally choices and some good and some bad came out of it. You see I did not have a lot of practice at being emotional. So when I began to feel I went full force to fast. My children, two daughters, began to think that I left them when in fact I had deprived of my emotionally side, so what I gave her was my head problems that they carry today.
